Pardon the venting post. Sometimes they’re necessary.
I’ve been really lucky with the pregnancy symptoms I landed with each trimester. I didn’t throw up (but was super nauseous). I’ve really only grown in my belly and boobs, making way for some back pain (story of my regular life). I have funny red spots at the tops of my arms and have a light brown line going down my belly. Exhaustion has also been a pretty big one. Overall, a pretty decent haul, right? Well, throw in hormones and then it’s a whole new world.
First trimester was rough hormonally, second trimester wasn’t so bad, and now they’re back at 31 weeks with a vengeance. I’m sure a good portion of this can be blamed on stress and anxiety about what’s to come. Having never been through this before, trying to get everything ready, motivate to clean, and psychologically prepare for what is physically about to happen all adds up. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself; please, I’m already growing a baby and still fully working my regular job (including 3 hours of commuting daily)… what more should I be doing? For me – everything. That’s been working for a while… and then the hormones hit.
Yesterday was a bit of a domino effect, though I didn’t realize it at first. It started with the guy at the train station:
Guy: When is your due date?
Me: Sept 30th
Guy: Wow, you’re bigger than my wife!
I wasn’t angry. I know that since I’m carrying this baby all in my belly that I’m pretty watermelom-y, even with 2 months left. But hearing it, especially from a male, made me feel self-conscious for a moment. Then the day moved along – I went through work, worked through lunch to cover something for someone else, and had a few minor bumps along the way. I was very on top of things the first half of the day and then hit my wall, a wall I hadn’t felt since my exhaustion in first trimester.
Got home, made some ground beef while Brian made his Italian sausages for pasta… and ceremoniously dropped half of the raw ground beef on the floor. Then, instead of spending quality time with Brian, I fell asleep on the couch after dinner…
This morning I was doing well. The cats showed a bit of love to me throughout the night and morning, snuggling and purring each time I got up to use the bathroom. Winky, our female cat, woke me up a little earlier than planned for some scratches, which was fine with me. Went back to sleep. Left to get the train on time. Then missed the train because an emergency vehicle came through when my light was going to turn green and of course the train was a little early. (This happened a couple of weeks ago, as well.) So I called Brian and then started crying. Apparently that proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back was this.
Now, as I sit in the bus to try to catch a train a little further away so I’m not very late for work, I know rationally that these types of days happen to people all the time – pregnant or not. That doesn’t make it any less frustrating, of course. So, while I walk up toward my other train in a minute, I will work on finding my center again and try to re-charge my batteries. The reality is that I’m going to feel overwhelmed and anxious, but in the end it will all happen. Everything will come together.
I am just lucky that I have such a great support system – my family and friends have been wonderful. And my husband is the best of the bunch – he’s taking this with stride and helps me find my center when I get off balance. I think that’s the benefit of marrying your best friend – they know you better than anyone else. My quirks, my hormones, my unattractive moments… he makes them better.